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Seeking and Finding What Really Matters
Someone asked me about 10 years ago what I would like written on my epitaph. I responded immediately without even hesitating. “Good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend.”
He was surprised at my answer. Not as surprised as I was, though. Most people, he said, talked about their careers. Funny, I hadn’t even thought about that. When did it all change? I’ve been pondering the question ever since, asking myself what really matters to me? What are my priorities? What are my goals? What gives my life meaning?
I used to be a killer. I was ambitious and driven and professionally competitive. I wrote probing profiles of people, covered political campaigns, Washington social life and different cultures outside of this country. I took no prisoners. Everyone and everything was fair game. It was all about getting the story, getting it first, getting it best and getting read. I have to say that I believed that I was exposing the bad guys for who they were and recognizing the good guys. People liked reading what I wrote. Nevertheless, things and people seemed much more black and white in those days than they do to me now, much simpler. A lot of people got hurt in the process. I never really felt good about that.
My mother and my father were my guiding lights. They totally believed in me, believed that I could accomplish anything I set out to do. My father was a general, a war hero, someone with enormous integrity and a belief in his country and in right and wrong. My mother was the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. She was kind and loving and generous. Everyone adored her. When people met me, after I had started working as a reporter for the Post, they would look at me stunned. “You’re Bette Quinn’s daughter?” But your mother is so nice!” There was always a little voice in the back of my head that said, “But I’m nice too.” My mother never had a career, but I wanted to be admired the way she was, not the way I was.
Then I got married and I had my son Quinn when I was almost 41. He was born with a heart defect and had open heart surgery when he was three months old. That was only the beginning. From then until the time he was sixteen, he had more surgeries and medical problems than I can count. He was also severely learning disabled and had to go to special schools all of his life. My professional life came to a standstill for years while I stayed at home to take care of him. It never occurred to me to do otherwise.
It was only after he had gone away to a special boarding school for children with learning disabilities that I began to go back to work part-time. But it was never with the same drive and purpose that I had had before.
Without even realizing it my priorities had changed. What I cared about most was being a good mother. When Quinn was eight my mother had a series of massive strokes and ended up partially paralyzed and with minor brain damage. I had to move her and my father into a retirement community and hire a full-time nurse. She lived 12 more years. Caring for her and being a good daughter suddenly became one of my top priorities.
My husband retired as editor of the Post 16 years ago, moving upstairs to become Vice President at Large of the paper. He had already lost his parents. Since then he has lost his brother and sister and most of his closest friends. Our marriage has only become stronger as life changed for him. There is a 20-year difference in our ages and now my priority is to be a good wife.
I could not have gone through all of these changes without my many wonderful close friends. I don’t believe in one-way streets when it comes to friendship. I wanted to be as good a friend to them as they are to me. They are there for me and I am there for them.
More than anything however, as I get older, what means the most to me is the idea of being the most authentic person I can be, to be a truly good person. Of course I want to be happy. And I found that, even in the early days, what makes me the happiest is making other people happy.
Which bring me, ironically, back to the question of my career. Several years ago I began exploring religions. I had been an atheist all of my life and was becoming more and more interested in the question of faith. It seemed that there was nothing that I covered, nothing that mattered that didn’t intersect somehow with faith, be it politics, foreign policy, or the environment, not to mention people’s motivations, their values, their ethics, their morals. After much study I changed my mind about being an atheist. I would only describe myself now as a seeker.
What I discovered is that one of the biggest problems caused by religion throughout the world is the lack of understanding by people, not only of the beliefs of others but the lack of understanding of their own. This inevitably leads to a lack of sympathy and compassion. This ultimately led me to embark on a new project as moderator of this web site “On Faith” along with Jon Meacham. The idea for the site was to create a dialogue so that people of all beliefs will have a chance to learn and understand each other.
Nothing I have ever done in my life has given me more satisfaction or sense of fulfillment. I am completely engaged and passionate about the subject and the potential it has for change for the good. I have never met so many interesting people, had so many great conversations, or learned so much in the last year. The most important thing I have learned is a respect for the beliefs of everyone as long as they don’t impinge on each other or me.
Life is filled with suffering or dukkha as the Hindus call it. Whatever gives you solace, whatever gives your life meaning, whatever helps you make it through the night is nothing less than a blessing.
For me, it is my son, now 25, my husband, my friends, and my work. I feel enormous gratitude for how lucky I am, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. Oh yes, and dancing. I started dancing about two years ago and it is now a sacrament in my life. It gives me great joy and a sense of exhilaration. Whenever I dance I feel that anything is possible, that no matter how bad things may get, life will go on. A quote from the famous Rabbi Hillel best expresses how I feel.
“I walk, I fall down, I get up. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
Sally Quinn is co-moderator of On Faith.
By Sally Quinn |
May 19, 2007; 10:52 AM ET
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Dear Ms Quinn
Thank you for sharing details of your personal life, your dreams, your sorrows, your joys, your love for your son, family and friends, your courage in the face of challenges, your never ending enthusiasm to learn. Wow! How awesome and inspiring it is that you started to learn dancing at age sixty four! You remind me that I must learn how to get up better when I fall down, and it is not too late to learn to dance and sing even though I turn forty eight within a week.
You wanted written on your epitaph, “Good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend.” Your wish is too modest Ms Quinn. Your contribution as a reporter is immense and you underestimate the value of the On Faith Forum that you started to moderate with Mr Jon Meacham at the risk of Washington Post being dubbed a religious newspaper. By making possible a mainstream opportunity to engage with religion, which highlights the urgent need for inter-religious dialogue, and the need to learn from others, you and Mr Meacham have set a process in motion that will have immense consequences in the years to come, far more than anyone can envisage at the moment.
I wish you great success in all your dreams and endeavours, including the book on religion you are currently in the process of writing!
Soja John Thaikattil
Sydney, Australia
POSTED MAY 22, 2007 1:15 AM
Posted by: Soja John Thaikattil, Sydney, Australia | May 24, 2007 10:43 PM
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Hi Sally,
I thoroughly enjoyed learning of your ongoing journey and discoveries of what is truly meaningful and worthwhile to you -- in it I found a beautiful sincerity, humility and gratitude worthy of emmulating.
I also appreciate the greater insight it provides as to the passionate offering you personally make in facilitating this forum.
Despite how tumultuous things can get around here, I do find much that is inspiring and insightful at ON FAITH and feel that it has facilitated my personal growth in many ways.
You have my sincere thanks for providing this unique forum.
All the best to you and your family.
Posted by: Thankful | May 20, 2007 6:55 PM
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Ms. Sally Quinn,
Ambition, obsession and passion is what you are describing in wanting to be a "Good mother, good wife, good daughter, good friend.”
And in how you feel in doing that, you quoted Rabbi Hillel - "I walk, I fall down, I get up. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
I can agree that in walking, one may fall down, one has to get up. But where is one walking to? At what gait and pace? And in falling, how wounded does one get that slows down one's walk? How long it takes for one to get up?
One has to stop walking sometimes just to look around, consider where one is at, the road one is taking, and the pace one walks. One can lose a leg and still walk.
One do stop walking too to pray for one's good blessings when one is happy that one is on the right and chosen path.
When one fall on one's own, or was pushed aside or down, one pray for the will and courage to stand up and walk again until one reach ones destination - to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, colleague, stranger, and member of the community.
Ambition, obsession and passion is grand, whether to be a good mother, a good pianist, or a good leader. Being ambitious and passsionately obsessive is not necessarily a positive thing.
And one don't dance, but listen to beautiful voices in music and poetry when walking, when stopping, when falling and rising again to walk on.
I was speaking for myself of course. I can dance, even ballroom dancing, but.....to pause and listen to La Boheme or Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan beats dancing the tango or macarena for me. Free will, free choice, own paths.
Beautiful essay Ms. Quinn.
Posted by: Jihadist | May 20, 2007 6:46 PM
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Sally, its interesting you now believe in something and use the word "sacrament"! Keep on seeking and you will find!
Posted by: Bill L | May 20, 2007 8:24 AM
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The most important thing Sally has learned is a respect for the beliefs of everyone as long as they don’t impinge on each other. Surprise, like this is some kind of Revelation. What is needed is not just respect for the beliefs of everyone but the protection by rule of law for everyone's belief. Thomas Jefferson not only realized the need for the respect for everyone's beliefs but he authored THE STATUTE OF VIRGINIA FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM to protect them. He also made sure we had the same legal protection with the amendments to the US Constitution.. Where true freedom of religion and true separation of church and state exist we have Western values. Where freedom of religion and separation of Church and state are protected by law and the laws are enforced we see respect for the beliefs of everyone. It is that simple. And not really some kind of new concept. We can not and should never expect others to be like Sally and respect our religious beliefs. We must make sure that we push for legal protections in every nation in this world and that those laws get enforced. This is the only way to stamp out religious intolerance. Thomas Jefferson and our founders realized this when they founded our nation. This constitutional guarantee of freedom of religion and separation of church and state may be the most important issued they ever addressed. Certainly Thomas Jefferson thought it an important concept because of all the many things he could have put on his grave stone he highlighted his work for religious freedom as his most important accomplishment.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 20, 2007 7:49 AM
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'The most important thing I have learned is a respect for the belief of everyone as long as they dont impinge on each other or me'
Dear Seeker,
If the character and nature of the belief are impingement on the others and women,how can we respect this cult?
Humiliation and enslavement of women,is it respected or critisized?
Is the real matter 'lack of understanding by people'?
If the cult threatens Humanity and Civilization,what should it be correct perception?
If the belief is based on stone age mentality,brainwashing,hate and horror,what will 'Dialogue' solve?
Dear Beatrice Duffee,
How can we teach those(not born yesterday,but at least thousand years ago) how to appear more intelligent?
Posted by: halozcel | May 20, 2007 3:39 AM
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Mr. Mark
I think that would be Quinn Bradlee.....
Ms. Quinn
This is totally unrelated, but I'd love to hear your take on Shaha Riza. ISTM her situation started out similar to yours, and I think she's gotten a bum rap from people hostile to Wolfowitz.
Posted by: Viejita del oeste | May 20, 2007 12:32 AM
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Sally:
Thank you for sharing your challenges as a parent.
My son has Aspergers (the mildest form of Autism). Being his parent is difficult -yet deeply satisfying for me. One of our first decisions after diagnosis was to never use the drugs almost every Dr. wanted to sedate him with. One good Dr. pulled me aside and asked what I was crying for. "Your son has a Maserati and he doesn't know how to drive it yet." He is an adult now, highly functioning. with a wry sense of humor and a great intellect.
Other parents with an Autistic child may want to read Ann Bauer's "Psych Meds Drove My Son Crazy" Its a long read but well worth the effort.
Best wishes.
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2007/05/18/autism_misdiagnosis/
Posted by: Anonymous | May 19, 2007 11:44 PM
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Sally,
Many Blessings to you, your son and husband..
I know what loss is also...an infant daughter, brothers, mother, father, grandparents, the first man I loved, friends...it changes you. You can see that what you have is not as important as who you are.
I have often thought that without the losses we could never have compassion for others...we have that gift to give, through our grief can come a blessing.
I wish you and your family well...
terra
Posted by: Terra Gazelle | May 19, 2007 9:42 PM
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Dear Sally -
I'm sorry to hear of the medical troubles your son has faced and is facing. My daughter was also born with a heart problem, but years of medical treatment and fantastic doctors across the country eventually led to the problem resolving itself without surgery, and she's now totally "normal."
I wish the best for you.
Is your son really named Quinn Quinn?
Posted by: Mr Mark | May 19, 2007 7:54 PM
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