Delirious

By Jimmy Wu

I was delirious. I had only slept 9 hours in the past 4 days. My heart was racing, fueled solely by my adrenaline. The moment I had awaited for 13-½ years had arrived. I had spent nearly half of my life in prison and I was finally being set free. This was so surreal. It had to be a dream. There was no way I actually made it. But I did. I did.

Those were my thoughts in the early morning of June 28, 2009, as I was being processed for release from prison. I have been a free person for nearly five months, but I can still feel that rush of excitement that coursed through my body the first few weeks I was out in the real world, this world that I had only been able to imagine and dream about. To this day, a part of me still expects to eventually wake up from this beautiful dream only to find myself back in prison.

So many people have asked me what it was like during my initial moments of freedom and I can only say this: It was complete, absolute and pure sensory overload. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes.....it was all so overwhelming. On a few occasions, I was so intoxicated with my new surroundings that I felt it was too much for me to handle and I nearly passed out.

Two moments stand out. The first was when my girlfriend took me to a gas station after picking me up from prison. She wanted me to change into more comfortable clothes in the restroom and the gas station was the first place we found. As I exited her car and walked to the restroom, I felt a surge of panic. I was positive that the parked cars were somehow going to hit me. It was my first walk in the free world and I was terrified. Later, safely back in the car, I desperately clutched the door handle and pleaded with my girlfriend to drive us away from the gas station.

The second occurred just hours later. I was to have dinner with my family at a restaurant and because it was early, my girlfriend and I decided to do a little bit of shopping. I had spent many years shopping only in prison commissary stores and ordering quarterly packages that were delivered to me. Now my girlfriend was taking me to a store I had only read about and seen in television commercials. She took me to a Walmart. I walked into this gigantic store and stood there. I just stood there. Enormous flat-screen televisions that were as clear as the blue skies on a beautiful spring day lined a section of the store and I was mesmerized. I felt as if I had traveled through time only to find myself in a strange and amazing future. After several minutes, my girlfriend noticed I was still stuck in one spot and started to lead me away from the televisions. It was then that I felt another surge of panic. I started to notice all the people that were around me and all I could do was hold onto my girlfriend's arm. All these people were moving too fast. Way too fast. No one in prison was ever in a rush to go anywhere because they had an abundance of time. There was no need to move any faster than they had to since they were only able to go so far before going back to the same spot they started from. The pace that everyone was moving in at this Walmart was shocking and I had to fight the urge to escape and run back to the car.

It took a good 2 months for me to finally fully adapt to the pace of my new life, to my newfound freedom. Going to gas stations or going shopping no longer makes me feel like there's a threat to my life. I don't fear that I'm going to get run over or trampled. I'm currently taking classes at my local community college and I am happy to say that I seem to have blended in quite well with my fellow classmates. I always had this notion that people would be able to tell that I was in prison just by looking at me, without me actually having to tell them, and I'm relieved that that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm just another anonymous person.

I often find myself thinking back to the time I spent behind walls and how I used to think that as long as I made it out of there alive, everything else would fall into place and be so easy. I've had to learn the hard way that my struggles are barely beginning. My background will follow me for the rest of my life and that makes employment even more difficult than it already is for the normal and average person. A potential employer for a trucking company was quite intent on hiring me to perform duties with his customer services department. He and I even discussed my starting salary and the benefits that would come with the job. However, as soon as he learned of my criminal history, I never heard from him again.

Not once did I ever think that my actions as a 16-year-old would permanently derail me from the tracks of living a normal life. Surviving prison was relatively easy compared to the hardships I now face and will continue to face for the rest of my life. I remember standing before my judge the day I was sentenced to prison and quietly thanking her for destroying my future. I now know that she wasn't the one who altered my fate or erased all hopes I had. I was, and am, the only person responsible. Was I young and naïve when I committed my crimes? Yes. But does that excuse my actions? No, it absolutely does not.

I still find myself not knowing what to do at times and I do the same thing I've always done: I sit in a quiet room and I listen. I just listen for the answer to come to me. That habit seems to have followed me from the confines of those despicable prison walls to my new and free life. It doesn't always work and I still can't say that it's the voice of God. All I can say is that it does help in a strange way I can't seem to explain and that I believe that sometimes we just need to stop thinking and worrying and simply find a peaceful and quiet moment to ourselves. We just may emerge enlightened and find the courage within ourselves to endure, persevere, and overcome our battles. That's all we can really do.

Jimmy Wu was born in Peitou, Taiwan, but came to the United States at the age of 2. He grew up in the San Gabriel Valley in California and resided in the city of Arcadia at the time of his arrest. He was convicted of carjacking and armed robbery and was sentenced to 15 years and 8 months in prison. He served his sentence at Avenal State Prison in Central California.

By Jimmy Wu |  November 23, 2009; 1:42 PM ET Save & Share:                 
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