Lessons from a Buddhist/ Jewish/ Hindu/ Christian family

Chelsea Clinton, raised Methodist, and Marc Mezvinsky, Jewish, will wed this weekend.

Statistics show that 37 percent of Americans have a spouse of a different faith.

Statistics also show that couples in interfaith marriages are "three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages."

Is interfaith marriage good for American society? Is it good for religion? What is lost -and gained -when religious people intermarry?

An interfaith marriage will fail or succeed, it seems to me, on the same foundations that underlie the much vaunted exercises in interfaith dialogue so often held to bring together experts in various faith--usually to celebrate profound agreement. Favor religious orthodoxy and even triumphalism, and the dialogue fails; privilege pluralism or even agnosticism, and faith does not adversely impact the accord. But it is when the children come, that discord can color discussions of faith that seemed happily extraneous in the carefree bliss of courtship.

A child of Hindus, I married a Hindu and raise my children Hindu, leaving me an interloper in these negotiations of interfaith child-rearing. So I present here the reflections of Sachi Lamb, a member of the Executive Council of the Hindu American Foundation, and daughter of Prof. Ramdas Lamb, a fellow panelist here on On Faith. Her unique experience provides, I believe, insight into the dichotomies of what interfaith truly means when it involves Dharma faiths or the exclusivist interpretations of the Abrahamic traditions.

Sachi Lamb:

Statistics that show interfaith marriages are more likely to fail indicate that religion might be a more powerful source of contention in a marriage than couples initially think. While many pre-wedding couples believe that love will conquer all, they might be dismissing the most unlikely obstacle - religion. Deeper feelings may surface eventually when encountering traditional rites of passage (especially those involving children and family), but sometimes disagreement or resentment may ensue right from the start with decisions about the wedding ceremony itself. That said, inter-religious marriages are not necessarily doomed, and when successful (i.e. managed properly), it may actually have a positive effect on not only the couple, but the families and children involved.

I speak from personal experience on this matter. My mother was raised in a Buddhist family, with all the specific cultural trappings of the Japanese community in Hawaii. My father was raised in a traditional Italian Catholic family in South Central Los Angeles. However, for nearly ten years of his young adult life, he lived as a sadhu (Hindu monk), in India. I was raised in Hawaii along side the Japanese/Buddhist side of my family, but home life was primarily Hindu. Mine was a multi-faith extended family as well -- one of my mother's sisters (who started attending the Methodist church down the road from my grandparents' house at an early age) married a Christian, and her other sister married a Jew who both now live in rural Japan and maintain a Kosher home.

As a child, the differences between all of the world's religions were never spelled out for me. Rather, the similarities were highlighted -- much in line with the Hindu philosophical teaching of Ekam sat vipraha bahudha vadhant -- that the Truth is One, the wise call It by many names. Techniques to navigate right and wrong - be it in thought, action or speech - were taught to me, and fingers were never pointed towards any particular group of people in commendation or condemnation. This has had a profound effect on me and has continued to help shape my worldview. I find myself open and respectful to the ideas and beliefs of others, and eager to dialogue with those who have a different background than I in hopes of finding our common ground.

I also believe that members of my extended family have benefited tremendously from the diversity of religious beliefs among us. It would not be surprising to find my family - including Buddhists, Jews, Hindus and Christians (Catholic and Protestant of many denominations) - gathering over Christmas dinner or a Buddhist funeral service. We have all found a way to love and accept each other for the individuals that we are.

Granted, my experience might fall out of the statistics, and I recognize that it is sometimes difficult for people to feel comfortable with cultures and traditions they were not raised with. In general, individuals who are members of religions that hold their way as an exclusive path to God (i.e. many Abrahamic religions) will likely have a harder time accepting a lifelong relationship with those who of more pluralistic faiths which teach the existence of multiple paths, such as Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Jainism, Shinto, etc. However, the degree to which each individual adheres to the various practices and teachings of each religion makes all the difference. An orthodox follower of almost any religion will struggle to reconcile a marriage with someone of another faith, while two liberal followers of differing religions will more easily overlook any religious disparity.

If a couple with differing religious backgrounds comes to a mutual agreement that, despite their differences, the underlying truths of what they both believe are the same, and that neither party has a fundamental objection to the traditions and values of the other, then a successful long-term relationship is possible. This, however, will take sincere dedication from both sides to learn about, understand, and accept the other. It also takes complete honesty about one's feelings and comfort level with the issues at hand, which is difficult for many people to express.

A common problem for many marriages that fail is a lack of open, honest communication - both during the marriage and before. Religion and faith are, sometimes subconsciously, important to a lot of people, and too many do not take the time to discuss how they feel about specific lifestyle ideals before they get married. Unfortunately, however, many people get married before they decide how important their religious traditions - or other aspects of life - really are to them, so openness becomes difficult. Situations that arise after marriage - children, financial obligations, career changes, living locations, etc... - have the potential to uncover hidden feelings which, when they conflict, can be detrimental to the future of the relationship. Should the child be baptized? If a boy, will he get circumcised? Will we give up a promotion opportunity to stay near family and friends who can guide the children's religious upbringing? Furthermore, how will we encourage the child(ren) to maintain a connection with their spirituality while explaining our differing traditions?

Creating the space for open minded thought and tolerance is of utmost importance. Fortunately for me, my parents were able to do so. Through direct experience I have been able to see and understand many different religious traditions. With the careful guidance of my parents and extended family members, I have learned to see positive elements of faith as well as the negative effects of exclusion and prejudice. Being brought up in a multi-faith family has been a blessing for me. I can see the potential for confusion, frustration and resentment in a inter-religious marriage, but I can also attest to the benefits.

By Aseem Shukla  |  July 28, 2010; 2:02 PM ET Save & Share:                 
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