Jim Daly
President, CEO, Focus on the Family

Jim Daly

Daly is recipient of the 2008 World Children’s Center Humanitarian Award and the 2009 Children’s Hunger Fund Children’s Champion Award.

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Americans afraid marriage is changing

A new survey out this week from the National Marriage Project shows that marriage is an institution in decline in many parts of American society. This "retreat from marriage in Middle America" will have wide-ranging social and economic consequences, say the survey's authors.

Another recent study of marriage, administered by the Pew Research Center, showed that nearly 40% of Americans believe marriage is becoming 'obsolete.'


What is marriage? Is it a civil union or is it a religious institution? How do you define it? Is there a marriage crisis in America today?

Pundits and analysts continue to weigh in on the recent Pew Report that concluded marriage is becoming increasingly obsolete and irrelevant.

As you can imagine, I hold to a significantly different perspective. Fortunately, many of you do as well. I've been particularly heartened by the robust response to my thoughts, which can be viewed by clicking here.

As I shared just a day after USA Today declared marriage to be going the way of powdered wigs
, the report doesn't quite tell the whole story - or even accurately portray the half of the data that does warrant analysis and attention.

Designed as a gift to bring glory to the Creator, marriage is an institution critical to the sustainability and stability of society. It will never be obsolete, because God has built into every human being a desire for companionship and craving to love and be loved.

David Popenoe, a former professor of sociology at Rutgers, agrees. In fact, in response to the media buzz about the Pew data, he said something quite provocative. According to the professor, those who say marriage is becoming obsolete might be voicing a fear, not expressing a wish.

Isn't that insightful?

Of course, psychologists report that unhappy people tend to like bad or unhappy news. That's because what is bad for another is often good for me; not to mention the fact that it might make me feel better about my own troubled lot, i.e. "Wow, I'm glad I'm not him!"

But I think Dr. Popenoe has touched on something rather profound. If you ask people what they fear the most, it's not uncommon to hear talk of terrorism, death, pain and even public speaking and spiders.

Yet, if you speak more intimately with these same people - or even watch how they live as opposed to listening to what they say - you often get a very different take on what truly burdens them.

Since God created His people for companionship, it makes sense that many of us fear loneliness most of all. Studies have confirmed that loneliness is on the rise in America, a curious thing since we're increasingly connected, at least technologically speaking.

By some estimates, 60 million Americans (20%) are lonely. Even more shocking, 36% of these same people have absolutely nobody with whom to talk over important or intimate matters.

Given these statistics, it's no wonder that many would fear the loss of marriage as an institution, especially given its emotional, spiritual and physical benefits. If there is no marriage, there is no hope of the happy ending, of that long walk into the sunset with your aging spouse by your side.

I am reminded of a favorite observation from the late President Reagan, whose love affair with his beloved Nancy has been so well chronicled and remembered. He was actually quoting Clark Gable, but no matter. Regarding the gift and beauty of marriage, consider the Gipper's poignant reflection:

Nancy's power was the power of well, giving me a marriage that was like an adolescent's dream of what marriage should be. Clark Gable had some words once, when he said there is nothing more wonderful for a man than to know as he approaches his own doorstep that someone on the other side of that door is listening for the sound of his footsteps.
Even while he was president, Mr. Reagan used to stand by the window in the White House and watch for the lights of the car that would be bringing his Nancy home.

It is heartbreaking to think of those who come home - or wait at home - without a similar sense of anticipation. Of course, some have suffered the loss of a spouse to death and there is an inevitable pain and the eventual loss that comes with true love this side of eternity.

But what of those who have yet to fall in love (or fallen out) and give their heart to another? We are called to preserve this God ordained institution and continue to highlight its benefits and His ultimate reasons and rationale for it.

If Dr. Popenoe is right, that a growing number of Americans are fearing the loss of marriage as opposed to wishing and rooting for its demise, we would be wise to quell that anxiety by modeling marriage as it was intended to be.

By Jim Daly  |  November 30, 2010; 4:42 PM ET Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati  
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Let's not hyper ventilate about this marriage thing. There may be a few changes in how marriages will function. As long as the human beings yearn companion ship and intimacy the, meme of marriage will continue. May be there will be a significant many who may not get tethered, but then this is a new phenomenon. The repercussions of being single may be felt in full import in the late stages of life. Which means in another 30 or so years the youth of that time (most of whom aren't born yet) may realize the folly of trying to go it alone and marriage may come back in vogue. I don't like to be an alarmist in these matters. What I certainly hope and long is our fellow humans who are of non-heterosexual persuasion not be stigmatized and countries all over the world legalize their marriages too, very soon.

Posted by: Secular | December 12, 2010 11:02 PM
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As Shaw said, changeable women are more endurable. They are sometimes murdered, but seldom deserted. The only one who likes changed is a wet baby. I think that was a Mark Twain sermon.

Posted by: jobandon | December 12, 2010 6:07 PM
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Marriage has NEVER been an ideal, perfect, thriving-throughout-society institution.

Take the "moral", "family-values" Victorian era. How healthy was marriage then?

The vast lower class didn't marry, generally. They just shacked up, mostly. (There's a reason Alfred Doolittle in _Pygmalion_ doesn't marry his live-in lover until he gets rich, and then has to.) And women and children could be beaten with impunity, by lovers or husbands, even to death - and were admired for fidelity towards their abusers rather than courage in leaving (look at that sentimental moralist Dickens' attitude towards Nancy in Oliver Twist - she's not married to Bill, btw, just beaten to death by him because she refuses to leave).

The upper class married for money or status, and then after producing sufficient heirs, ignored their marriages ever after.

The middle class honored marriage in the ideal, but not necessarily the practice (look at what that sentimental idealist Dickens did to his wife, after all, when he fell in love with Ellen Terry). But there weren't many of them. And even in the middle class, marriage didn't last any longer than it tends to do for us - it was just more likely to end in death than divorce. At least with divorce, both parents are still alive to love and take care of their kids...

In marriage, women were their husband's property, with no legal existence of their own. They could be beaten or raped with near-impunity. Any money they earned was their husband's, to be used at his will - even if he'd deserted her, he could come back and take whatever pittance she'd earned to care for their children and drink it away in the nearest tavern if it suited him.

Illegitimacy was common, as were orphans. Unwanted babies and kids could be dumped in horrid unregulated boarding schools, or left at poorhouses or workhouses or orphanages to be underfed, underclothed, and overworked. Most died. Even wealthier, loving parents dosed their babies with opium to keep them quiet, and/or left them with caretakers almost constantly.

"Designed as a gift to bring glory to the Creator, marriage is an institution critical to the sustainability and stability of society"

What kind of Parent gives their children gifts not to care for their happiness, but to increase their own glory? Does your God do nothing that isn't meant to inflate his terrible ego?

Posted by: Catken1 | December 12, 2010 2:25 PM
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Thank you. At long last a sane man among a plethora of nincompoops who were depressing the hell out of me. lol.

Being married was the best thing that ever happened to a guy like me, and while she was with us it was a Godsend, and I say that even though I am not religious and very secular (religion neutral) in my views, and she was a good church going girl, but that never got in the way of happiness. lol.

Anyway, once you've tasted the sugar of happiness you still remember it years later no matter how unlucky you've been you remember you were happy once. Only idiots deny themselves that happiness. lol.

Posted by: darkasnight1234 | December 9, 2010 5:05 AM
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"If there is no marriage, there is no hope of the happy ending"

Okay, should I or shouldn't I?

Posted by: gladerunner | December 7, 2010 3:18 PM
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Marriage is not obsolete, it is ever so slowly evolving, being adapted to the changes in our society.

Posted by: lepidopteryx | December 7, 2010 1:21 PM
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"It is heartbreaking to think of those who come home - or wait at home - without a similar sense of anticipation. "

Except, of course, in Daly's Jesuslandia, gay partners.

Posted by: areyousaying | December 7, 2010 12:57 PM
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IMPORTANTO: Rich, Middle-class or Poor, If YE hath All these “4-Tetra-Needs“ (FOOD, SHELTER, COMANIONSHIP & CLOTHES (& Keep Busy while at it).then Ye hath No Worry’s on this Blesseth (never Sin'th nor ever Curs'th) Holyi Cosmic [Nebula-Built] S.pace-S.hip Planet EARTHs, aka S.S. GAiA, S.S. GEOiD, S.S. TELLUSng something & by manymany Names! PEACE to our ANCESTRY & Future-Bound & Space-Forth [MEME's] Posterity.
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BEHOLD: SEx is-not LOVE: LiFE iS! Nor is ANY Man-Made Religion(s)Systems is LOVE, Only HYPOCRITICRACY! "HOPE" is our Religion. And G-D (if Any) is an "IT" (never a HE/HiM/HiS nor HER/SHE incarnate)! O' Praise "IT", aka justly Being "iTSELF" in & out Of US-All; Hence "ETERNiTY AVOiDINING LONLiNESS" (for "IT"s own Survival Too)!
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iMAGiNE The "RELiGION OF Everything (Before Science of Everything) is today Upon Us but, only IF ye/Yo duly & Justly Seek “IT“!" iMAGINE The Chumash/Bible, Quran/Koran, Geeta/Tripitakas, Kangyur/Tangyurs... As 1 TODAY? YES! As told & Forewarned YE/YO ALL so so many times here on “ONFAiTH“ Blog. "IT" is Here! "OUR" is Born, Bred, Given on "TRANS{FiNITY-MOUNTAIN," N.Y.!

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WHEREFORE: Uphold, Magnify & Make Honorable The O,ne U.niversal R.eligion (OUR)!

Posted by: wikileaks2 | December 4, 2010 12:08 PM
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