Talking to your kids about sex

Thanks Mark,
I appreciate what you're saying and it's inspired me to work out a plan to speak to my two daughters (2nd & 6th grade) with my wife. There are not many decent guides when it comes to being a decent parent - Thank God for the Bible! Some people challenge your stats but for sure a pattern has emerged and so the general idea of your message is outstandingly clear. Thanks again - and definitely do the book on parenting!

The parents' commitment to living conjugal chastity within their marriage is ont of the best things they can do. A message of chastity is compelling when it comes from people who live that in a healthy way themselves. Perhaps even a majority of people today under a certain age have committed fornication; artificial contraception (and abortion on demand) is obviously a big reason for the drastically lower expectations of chastity, cheapening and trivilaization of sex, usuing others for pleasure, and lack of commitment to marriage. Parents should consider that their choices in this regasrd, and the messages they give to their children and role models the children are exposed to, can have a considerable effect on the children's lives, and on their success (or lack thereof) in becoming a spouse and parent of a stable happy family, a great human good which is sadly becoming the exception to the rule. There is tremendous brokenness today, and like many people I have experienced that personally and in many different ways within my family. Turning the trends around requires making different choices: we must value chastity as beautiful and human, and value new life as the primary purpose and meaning of sexual intercourse.

My Baptist mother gave me mixed messages about sex.
1 - Only my husband should ever see my girlie bits.
2 - Until such time as I married, my sex drive was something to be battled and squelched.
3 - Masturbation was nasty and a sin.
4 - After marriage, sex was something that a woman had to put up with if she wanted children.
No information on how to have sex without getting pregnant or catching an STD. In fact, I was taught not to sit on public toilet seats before covering them with several layers of toilet paper, because placing my bare bum in direct contact with public porcelain could give me "VD."
To this day, I'm not sure if my mom just didn't like sex, didn't know any better, or if my dad just wasn't very good at it.

I found out at the age of 16 that I liked giving and receiving oral. I found out at 17 that I liked intercourse. And because I was lucky enough to learn that I liked intercourse from an older man, I also learned about safe sex from him.

I taught my daughter that sex shold be put off until such time as you are physically, mentally, financially, and emotionally for anything that might result from it.

I also taught her that until she was ready for sex with another person, that solo sex was the best way to get relief from a raging case of the hornies.

I made sure that she knew how to protect herself from possible unpleasant consequences of sex with another person, so that when she decided that she was ready, she would be prepared.

I meant to add:

May dog have mercy on your poor children if they grow up and don't find a husband/wife; they fall in love and their partner leaves them or dies; or they discover that they're gay...

"...sexuality is understood to be a good gift from God, enjoyed between one man and one woman for one lifetime."

So, sexuality is NOT to be enjoyed if you are:
- divorced (even re-married)
- widowed (even re-married)
- separated
- middle-aged, unmarried and lonely
- on your own (true: that's not enjoyable, just necessarily functional if any of the above apply)
- a bigamous Mormon
- or, dog forbid, a homosexual (even a monogamous one).

Dammit, I try not to enjoy it, but dog must have screwed up because I DO.

Sex is great but beware of the dangers.

Once again:

http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2011/02/20/yes-oral-sex-is-sex-and-it-can-boost-cancer-risk/?npt=NP1

"Yes, oral sex is sex, and it can boost cancer risk-

Here's a crucial message for teens: Oral sex carries many of the same risks as vaginal sex, including human papilloma virus, or HPV. And HPV may now be overtaking tobacco as the leading cause of oral cancers in America in people under age 50.

"Adolescents don’t think oral sex is something to worry about," said Bonnie Halpern-Felsher professor of pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco. "They view it as a way to have intimacy without having 'sex.'"

His Holiness the Flying Spaghetti Monster has decreed that sexual activity is a normal human function which should be engaged in in a respectful, considerate manner that avoids harm to other human beings and society, just like any other normal human activity. It has absolutely nothing to do with an imaginary deity and his fictional son.

If you leave your sons alone with clergy, tell them this:

http://www.suite101.com/content/how-pedophiles-groom-victims-a49648

Reality has to sink in at some point. Kids are influenced by TV stars and watch what adults do. Few kids when asked who they admire say their parents or their Priest. Our kids hail Brad/Angie who aren't married but have kids. Bristol Palin is now a star as a single Mom who can make big money. We see Law Makers with wife/kids go on Craigslist for a date. Even our Speaker of the House was seen entertaining several young ladies in West Hollywood California, while still having two girlfriends. Yes the press reports these powerful leaders as Family men with values but the kids go on the World wide web to see the real story with youtude videos to prove it. Many parents don't realize their children watch them and do the same. Nice to give a picture of what should be but reality is how society has educated kids. The First Lady is doing the right thing keeping her kids safe and setting reasonable rules that fit today's generation. Just keep it real and leave the fake stuff out.

Mr Driscoll notes that, "One study found that adolescents who engaged in sex (but not drugs and alcohol) were three- and one-half times more likely to be depressed than adolescents who abstained from sex, alcohol, and drugs. Furthermore, the correlation between adolescent sex and psychological problems is particularly strong for teenagers who have sex before their peers (at age 15 or earlier)"--suggesting that sex leads to depression.

But correlational data do not, by themselves, indicate causal order. It can be as easily and plausibly argued from the same data that depressed young people seek intimacy in order to cope with depression and loneliness.

Not talking kids about sex often leads to problems, at times big problems not ony for the kids and their family but also for the society. Because informations to and education of those who plan to have a family (or already have one) may prevent at least some of these problems, States should require attendance to a professionally qualified seminary on this subject as a requirement to obtain a marriage license. We are required to pass a test before obtaining a driver's license; so it'll be nothing new.

I can appreciate most of this article. What I don't appreciate is even the allusion to the ignorant idea that sex is a "sin." It is messy, complicated and dangerous, but it is NOT a sin. Also, where does this "psychological damage to kids who engage in sex at an early age study" come from? I think I remember seeing some crap like that on the Heritage Foundation's website. It was there along with other defunct "studies" about condom failure rates and suchlike. Is there a link to this study of yours, Pastor? I would like to see the controls please. One of the things I would bet they didn't control for is the ridiculous cultural attitudes that "people of faith" hold about sex. Challenges to this way of thinking will never stop. Ever. Matters of personal faith aside, biological influence and personal curiosity are two things no amount of praying or pledge rings can purge. God bless us for that.

The only place that I have ever seen the name "Mark Driscoll" is on the Washington Post online "On Faith" section. I understand that he believes that it is wrong to be gay.

Added important information for all sexually active people:

http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2011/02/20/yes-oral-sex-is-sex-and-it-can-boost-cancer-risk/?npt=NP1

"Yes, oral sex is sex, and it can boost cancer risk-

Here's a crucial message for teens: Oral sex carries many of the same risks as vaginal sex, including human papilloma virus, or HPV. And HPV may now be overtaking tobacco as the leading cause of oral cancers in America in people under age 50.

"Adolescents don’t think oral sex is something to worry about," said Bonnie Halpern-Felsher professor of pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco. "They view it as a way to have intimacy without having 'sex.'"

What all parents should discuss with their teenagers:

The numbers, the calculations and two "bottom liners":

"Facts on Contraceptive Use
http://www.gu-ttmacher.org/pubs/fb_contr_use.html
January 2008

WHO NEEDS CONTRACEPTIVES?

• 62 million U.S. women (and men?) are in their childbearing years (15–44).[1]
• 43 million women (and men) of reproductive age, or 7 in 10, are se-xually active and do not want to become pregnant, but could become pregnant if they or their partners fail to use a contraceptive method.[2]
• The typical U.S. woman (man?) wants only 2 children. To achieve this goal, she (he?) must use contraceptives for roughly 3 decades.[3]

WHO USES CONTRACEPTIVES?

• Virtually all women (98%) aged 15–44 who have ever had inte-rcourse have used at least one contraceptive method.[2](and men?)
• Overall, 62% of the 62 million women aged 15–44 are currently using one.[2] (and men)
• 31% of the 62 million women (and men?) do not need a method because they are infertile; are pregnant, postpartum or trying to become pregnant; have never had inter-course; or are not s-exually active.[2]

• Thus, only 7% of women aged 15–44 are at risk of unwanted pregnancy but are not using contraceptives.[2] (and men?)
• Among the 42 million fertile, s-exually active women who do not want to become pregnant, 89% are practicing contraception.[2] (and men?)

WHICH METHODS DO WOMEN (men?) USE?

• 64% of reproductive-age women who practice contraception use reversible methods, such as oral contraceptives or condoms. The remaining women rely on female or male sterilization.[2]

FIRST-YEAR CONTRACEPTIVE FAILURE RATES
Percentage of women (men?) experiencing an unplanned pregnancy (a few examples)
Method Typical
Pill (combined) 8.7
Tubal sterilization 0.7
Male condom 17.4
Vas-ectomy 0.2
Periodic abstinence 25.3
Calendar 9.0
Ovulation Method 3.0
Sympto-thermal 2.0
Post-ovulation 1.0
No method 85.0"

(Abstinence) 0
(Mas-turbation) 0

continued below:

More facts about contraceptives from
guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_contr_use.html

"CONTRACEPTIVE METHOD CHOICE

Contraceptive method use among U.S. women who practice contraception,

Method No. of users (in 000s) % of users
Pill 11,661 30.6
Male condom 6,841 18.0 "

i.e.
The pill fails to protect women 8.7% during the first year of use (from the same reference previously shown).

i.e.
0.087 (failure rate)
x 62 million (# child bearing women)
x 0.62 ( % of these women using contraception )
x 0.306 ( % of these using the pill) =
1,020,000 unplanned pregnancies during the first year of pill use.

For male condoms (failure rate of 17.4 and 18% use level):

1,200,000 unplanned pregnancies during the first year of male condom use.

The Guttmacher Institute (same reference) notes also that the perfect use of the pill should result in a 0.3% failure rate
(35,000 unplanned pregnancies) and for the male condom, a 2% failure rate (138,000 unplanned pregnancies).

o Bottom Line #1: The failures of the widely used birth "control" methods i.e. the pill and male condom have led to the large rate of abortions ( one million/yr) and S-TDs (19 million/yr) in the USA. Men and women must either recognize their responsibilities by using the pill or condoms properly and/or use other methods in order to reduce the epidemics of abortion and STDs.

Bottom line #2-

Currently, a perfect barrier system does not exist. Time to develop one! In the meantime, monomasturbation or mutual masturbation are highly recommended for heterosexuals who need a contraceptive. Abstinence is another best-solution but obviously the sex drive typically vitiates this option although being biological would it not be able to develop a drug to temporarily eliminate said drive?

More facts about contraceptives from
guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_contr_use.html

"CONTRACEPTIVE METHOD CHOICE

Contraceptive method use among U.S. women who practice contraception,

Method No. of users (in 000s) % of users
Pill 11,661 30.6
Male condom 6,841 18.0 "

i.e.
The pill fails to protect women 8.7% during the first year of use (from the same reference previously shown).

i.e.
0.087 (failure rate)
x 62 million (# child bearing women)
x 0.62 ( % of these women using contraception )
x 0.306 ( % of these using the pill) =
1,020,000 unplanned pregnancies during the first year of pill use.

For male condoms (failure rate of 17.4 and 18% use level):

1,200,000 unplanned pregnancies during the first year of male condom use.

The Guttmacher Institute (same reference) notes also that the perfect use of the pill should result in a 0.3% failure rate
(35,000 unplanned pregnancies) and for the male condom, a 2% failure rate (138,000 unplanned pregnancies).

o Bottom Line #1: The failures of the widely used birth "control" methods i.e. the pill and male condom have led to the large rate of abortions ( one million/yr) and S-TDs (19 million/yr) in the USA. Men and women must either recognize their responsibilities by using the pill or condoms properly and/or use other methods in order to reduce the epidemics of abortion and STDs.

Bottom line #2-

Currently, a perfect barrier system does not exist. Time to develop one! In the meantime, monomasturbation or mutual masturbation are highly recommended for heterosexuals who need a contraceptive. Abstinence is another best-solution but obviously the sex drive typically vitiates this option although being biological would it not be able to develop a drug to temporarily eliminate said drive?

Averageeverydaynormalguy wrote:

As someone who is young your article is strange and the advice misguided. . . . The proper thing to do is tell your child the options they can have sex or not if you have sex use protection.

***
"The options" aren't all that hard to discover in our society. What's lacking is good guidance on which options are best -- this is a parent's job. Certainly, I could tell my child that he has the option to do any number of things, but my time with him is too precious to leave it at that. Instead, I want to help him have the tools to make good choices amidst a sea of options.

NUNIVEK87 wrote:

Is it just me, or did he not really explain what parents should actually say to their children just how to go about doing it?

Nunivek87, you're right - at least in part. I generally agree with what the author said, but there's clearly much more that needs to be said. As I raise my kids, I intend to tell them that sex should be "enjoyed between one man and one woman for one lifetime," but I know there's a lot more to it than that.

Nymous wrote:

So screw you and your Santa Christ. He's dead, he's never coming back, and you don't speak for him with any truth or any accuracy.

Nymous, I don't know about Santa Christ, but Jesus Christ is alive, and he is coming back. I pray you'll see that he is the truth, and that you'll turn your life over to him.

Is it just me, or did he not really explain what parents should actually say to their children just how to go about doing it?
I mean besides the normal stuff he mentioned you should tell small children he pretty much content-wise said tell them sex is great for "one man and one woman for one lifetime" but really isn't there waaaaay much more to sexuality than that?
If you believe in abstitence how should someone deal with their feelings/desires, not to mention what about the topic of masturbation? But lastly, I think that this assumes that your child will fit within the norms of society, but what about having open communication if in fact your child is LGBT, or does that not exist to Mark Driscoll?

You bible thumping zealots and your cult of the holy fetus are no more true to the precepts in the bible than you are to your children. You only ever read what you want to read there, only ever preach what you want to preach, and use Christianity as a platform for hatred just as much as any Taliban do with Islam.

You condemn children to lives of poverty and ignorance in the USA, leave them uncompetitive in the global marketplace, and finance tens of millions of abortions *every year* in China with your purchases of goods produced for profit by corporations owned by a totalitarian communist government. You build signs condemning people who don't agree with you about the right to choice made with goods whose profits pay for abortions in other countries, printed with inks that pay for abortions in third world countries all to take rights away because you hate the idea of gender equality and want to make your slanderous fantasies the law of the land in the US.

So screw you and your Santa Christ. He's dead, he's never coming back, and you don't speak for him with any truth or any accuracy. You only say what you want to say, based on reading only what you want to read, all to promote bigoted zealotry and hate. Yea, that's the core thing, you hate in the name of god more than you do anything else.

It's insulting to hear you lying filth vomit up thinly veiled hate and lies to thieve freedom and promote lies in the name of anything holy.

For you people to talk about sex to anyone is disgusting, nasty, and I hope like hell that your children have the sense not to listen to you.

As someone who is young your article is strange and the advice misguided. If a parent who is a conservative christian asks their child who is a young adolescent if they are sexually involved they will likely not answer them truthfully because they think the parent will disapprove or become angry. How do I know this I have been in the situation.

The proper thing to do is tell your child the options they can have sex or not if you have sex use protection. That is the best advice that can be given. Most young people don't care what the bible says and will just do whatever they want.

Young people are also fairly smart and as a moderately smart young guy I can tell you from a glance at the bible oral sex is not explicitly prohibited therefore fair game for rationalization.

Parents should merely be telling adolescents about the emotional involvement that comes from sex and how it makes relationships more complex and sometimes worse. I wish my parents would of given me reasonable advice when they found out I was having sex as a teen instead they essentially said that was bad don't do it again and I said whatever.

Sorry for the rant I merely see some huge problems in they way you are approaching sex and as a young guy who wishes he had better advice growing up I feel I should just throw these thoughts out there.

The article below is taken from The Independent UK. Feb 21

4

One of the few religious in Rome willing to talk about the report was Father Giulio Albanese, of MISNA, the missionary news agency. "Missionaries are human beings, who are often living under immense psychological pressure in situations of war and ongoing violence. On one hand it's important to condemn this horror and it's important tell the truth, but we must not emphasise this at the expense of the work done by the majority, many of whom have laid down lives for witness" said Fr Albanese "The press only talks about missionaries when they are killed, kidnapped or are involved in something scandalous" he added.

As the Vatican digests the unpalatable evidence of how their own priests are ruining the lives of their sisters, many Catholics hope a strong message may come from on high. With the American bishops, the Pope spoke in clear terms about paedophile priests, telling them this was a scourge that had to be faced. Some now hope that he may be equally courageous in denouncing an evil which has been covered by silence and shame for too long.

3

She heard cases of priests encouraging the nuns to take the pill telling them it would prevent HIV. Others "actually encouraged abortion for the sisters" and Catholic hospitals and medical staff reported pressure from priests to carry out terminations for nuns and other young women.

O'Donohue wrote in her report how a vicar in one African diocese had talked "quite openly" about sex, saying that "celibacy in the African context means a priest does not get married, but does not mean he does not have children."

The head of the Vatican congregation for Religious Life, Cardinal Martinez Somalo, has set up a committee to look into the problem. But it seems to have done little beyond "awareness raising" among bishops.

More recently, in 1998, Sister Marie McDonald, mother superior of the Missionaries of Our Lady of Africa, put together a paper entitled The Problem of the Sexual Buse of African Religious in Africa and Rome.

She tabled the document to the Council of 16, made up of delegates of the international association of women's and men's religious communities and the Vatican office responsible for religious life. She noted that a contributing cause was the "conspiracy of silence".

When she addressed bishops on the problem, many of them felt it was disloyal of the sisters to send reports.

"However, the sisters claim they have done so time and time again. Sometimes they were not well received. In some instances they are blamed for what happened. Even when they are listened to sympathetically nothing much seems to be done" One of the most tragic elements that emerges is the fate of the victims. While the offending priests are usually moved or sent away for studies, the women are normally chased out of their religious orders, they are then either to scared to return to their families or are rejected by them. they often finished up as outcasts, or, in a cruel twist of irony, as prostitutes, making a meagre living from an act they had vowed never to do.

One of the few religious in Rome willing to talk about the report was Father Giulio Albanese, of MISNA, the missionary news agency

2

The reports said that the cultures in some African countries made it almost impossible for a young woman to disobey an older man, especially one seen as spiritually superior. There were cases of novices who applied to their local priest or bishop for certificates of good Catholic practice that were required for them to pursue their vocation. In return they were made to have sex. Some incidents of sexual abuse allegedly took place almost within the Vatican walls.

Certain unscrupulous clerics took advantage of young nuns who were having trouble finding accommodation, writing their essays and funding their theological studies.

Forced to acknowledge the problem, the Vatican has tried to play down its gravity. In a statement issued yesterday the Pope's official spokesman, Joaquin Navarro Valls, said: "The problem is known and involves a restricted geographical area. Certain negative situations must not overshadow the often heroic faith of the overwhelming majority of religious, nuns and priests".

One of the most comprehensive documents was compiled by Sister Maura O'Donohue, an Aids co-ordinator for Cafod, the London-based Catholic Fund for Overseas Development.

She noted that religious sisters had been identified as "safe" targets for sexual activity. She quotes a case in 1991 of a community superior being approached by priests requesting that the nuns be made available to them for sexual favours.

"When the superior refused the priests explained they would otherwise be obliged to go to the village to find women and might thus get Aids."Sister O'Donohue said her initial reaction to what she was told by her fellow religious "was one of shock and disbelief at the magnitude of the problem".

While most of the abuse happened in African countries, Sister O'Donohue reported incidents in 23 countries including India, Ireland, Italy, the Philippines and the United States.

Talking about sex...

The Catholic Church in Rome made the extraordinary admission yesterday that it is aware priests from at least 23 countries have been sexually abusing nuns.

Most of the abuse has occurred in Africa, where priests vowed to celibacy, who previously sought out prostitutes, have preyed on nuns to avoid contracting the Aids virus.

Confidential Vatican reports obtained by the National Catholic Reporter, a weekly magazine in the US, have revealed that members of the Catholic clergy have been exploiting their financial and spiritual authority to gain sexual favours from nuns, particularly those from the Third World who are more likely to be culturally conditioned to be subservient to men.

The reports, some of which are recent and some of which have been in circulation for at least seven years, said that such priests had demanded sex in exchange for favours, such as certification to work in a given diocese.

In extreme instances, the priests had made nuns pregnant and then encouraged them to have abortions.

The US article was based on five documents, which senior women from religious orders and priests have presented to the Vatican over the past decade. They describe a particularly bad situation in Africa. In a continent devastated by Aids, nuns, along with early adolescent girls, are perceived by some as safe sexual targets. The reports said that the church authorities had done little to tackle the problem.

The Vatican reports cited countless cases of nuns forced to have sex with priests. Some were obliged to take the pill, others became pregnant and were encouraged to have abortions. In one case in which an African sister was forced to have an abortion, she died during the operation and her aggressor led the funeral mass. Another case involved 29 sisters from the same congregation who all became pregnant to priests in the diocese.

A couple of weeks on a farm that raises cows or goats is good start in educating kids about the "birds and the bees".

When they get home add the following:

Don't get involved sexually until you can afford it emotionally and financially.

Interested in the debate on sex education in public schools? Tune into the PBS show Basic Black for a LIVE discussion on Friday, February 25th at 7:30 pm EST on channel 2 in Boston and at www.basicblack.org, where you can also join a live chat.

I need advise. My granddaughter was raped by a man who married her step mother. She was ordered by the court to spend weekends within this house hold. The man came home from work one morning and went to her bed instead of his wifes. She was 11. The next year this same woman invite a friend and her brother to stay at her house. My granddaughter was there again because her father was trying to get the marriage back. Well this 'friend' raped her at the age of 12.
I have tried explaining to her about sex and keeping herself for the man she loves, but it seems almost useless. She has already experienced more at the ages of 11 and 12 then I ever knew before I married.
These men were the "Ted Bundy" type. She had told me they were too nice to hurt her. Well she found out differently.
So where do I begin with her? What do I do? One man is in prison the second will be going in a few weeks.
You need to know she lost her mother when she was a baby and her father married this other gal a few years later who was too young for him but wanted out of her house. After 5 years she wanted to have the life she lost by marrying a man older then herself and since she started dating him at 16 she wanted some of her lost time back.
My granddaughter has paid dearly for her foolishness. And for her fathers ignorance. He has tried to raise her but because of his lack of upbringing he does not have good examples and he thinks being a father or husband means you go to work, pay your bills and take care of your family. But he does not know how to take care of a family and he is way to 'mocho' to listen to or take advise, except from his friends who basically has had the same upbringing.
We tried to help him and his new wife and tried to stay out of the way, but the wife did not want us to have anything to do with our granddaughter. She had told me that she had been taken away from her mother when she was young and did not see her for several years and we didnot need to see our granddaughter. I took them to court to get visitations and the judge gave it to us. But then he retired and we got the next judge who believed the lies she told in court about how long her relationship was with our granddaughter. That is why he allowed visitation at her home.
I just want to know how do I tell her to start over and leave what happened to her behind or is there another way. Thank you.

She is in counseloring. And she seems to be adjusting pretty well. But she is a cute young lady who attracts attention, and all the girls her age have boys on their minds and she attracts them with out trying. Her father's divorce was very hard on her. The step mother made sure she was involved in everything. This included discussions of young teens sexual activities, and having babies without being married. And married peoples problems in and out of bed. I couldnot do anything about it. I tried.

Thanks for this article Ptr Mark.

Im a pastor in the Philippines and we just preached (last week) on sex as well. Husbands & wives should talk about it, parents should discuss it with their children and the church should talk about it too. Your podcast in "good sex, bad sex" helped me as well.

God bless you, your family, and your ministry.

Thank you for this timely article. My 10-year-old daughter just told me about one of her BFFs "kissing with tongue" and my 12-year-old son came home today with news of his first middle school girlfriend. This is a subject near and dear to my heart because of the challenges my husband and I faced as a result of our sexual sin before we ever even met. I recently read "Sex and the Soul of a Woman" and was subsequently led to became a volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center. While the book is geared towards women dealing with a sexual history, the information is invaluable to ALL women and while it is too heady for a 10- or 12- year old, I finished it with the strong desire to impart the wisdom it contains with my daughters and son both. I am still a novice at the study of the Bible, but I am prayerfully considering how I might create a Bible Study based on that book to help the men, women, boys and girls in my community. I certainly knew that God created one mad for one woman for a lifetime when I had my first sexual experience, but I didn't fully understand the reasons or implications until I was married to my soul mate. It is my heart to save as many young men and women from that heartache as I possibly can. Thank you again, and may God bless you!