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Do we have to choose between faith and love?
On April 2 of this year, I was engaged to the most beautiful woman I have ever met. When I say beautiful, I say it in the fullest expression of the word I can muster - one that starts with the heart of a person, and moves outward.
My fiance, Kristin, is a Methodist. I am a Catholic. We're both Christians. We're both believers. We have a mutual respect for each other - as human beings first, both made in the image and likeness of God; but also because our love comes from God and the recognition of perfect love, displayed on the cross, where Jesus showed that true love is to lay down one's life for another; and on our wedding day, we will stand before God and our families and make a life long covenant with Him. It's not something we take lightly; it doesn't mean it will always be pretty. But because we believe God is love, and He loves us unconditionally, then the way we are chiefly called to show that is through our commitment to each other. In other words, the main way I'm supposed to prove God exists is by how I love my wife, and vice-versa - how she will love me.
I understand that statistical data will show reasons for divorce, but out of my own experience, I do not see and cannot fathom how a marriage could dissolve solely based on difference of faith. In fact, I think it's erroneous, irresponsible, and I question the intent of such statistics. People do not get divorced for differences. They get divorced because of a lack of love.
I believe with all of my heart in Jesus' teachings as expressed in Catholicism to be the fullest expression there is. Otherwise, what's the point in believing in them? Do I think less of my soon-to-be-wife because she isn't Catholic? Absolutely not. Do I respect, honor, and even appreciate her beliefs? Absolutely! Once again, we are called, because of our faith, to seek understanding first; to find common ground based on a mutual understanding of an objective example of real love and I can't think of a person who i am called to do this with more intently and intensely than her.
A lack of love is manifested in many ways - but it typically starts when love is abandoned in favor of use. When you don't listen, you are just using someone as a sounding board for your own egotistically-generated thoughts. When you don't listen, you don't show respect; when you look at someone as a means to fulfill your sexual desire, and not the person to whom you are called to show love sacrificially, putting their needs above your own - then you have use. It's not just defined to sexuality - in fact, it's more so manifested there. The root of it is found in other areas: in lack of communication, understanding about finances, discussions about family, etc.,...
In my opinion, there are other societal factors, that have had much more of an impact on divorce rates, that need to be addressed: Things like the use of contraception, poor communication skills or prenuptial agreements - the list can go on and on. What are those if not statements of mistrust; of doubt in the other's intentions. How can you ever freely enter fully enter into a lifelong covenant with another and God if you don't really believe the other person? I mean, that's what a prenuptial agreement is, right? You're basically saying, "Here is what I want in case this thing falls apart, and we're saying it's an option."
The moment divorce becomes an option (except in cases of irreconcilable abuse or continued harm to someone) is the moment that you don't have a real marriage; and if that is the case, then I doubt someone is truly practicing their faith, unless it happens to be one of Manichaean origins.
By
Matt Maher
|
July 30, 2010; 11:28 AM ET
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Posted by: lcarter0311 | July 31, 2010 6:18 PM
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Here's advice from someone who has been happily married for 28 years:
Every day do something - even if it is a very small thing - to make your beloved WANT to be with you.
Remember to be courteous to one another.
Work hard to maintain your sense of humor - it will come in handy.
If you are in the throes of a disagreement, hold hands. It's hard to say hurtful things to someone whose hands you're holding.
Limit yourself to one argument per subject; don't bring it up again in a later argument.
Serve your beloved - wait on him or her hand and foot, and remember to say thank you when your beloved serves you.
Posted by: Kaelinda1 | July 31, 2010 2:32 PM
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And the children? To be raised by Catholics?
And if Catholic doctors ever have to choose between saving you wife's life or your baby's?
Good luck . . . Hope she doesn't mind a life of a second class marriage partner.
Long live the Dark Ages.
-----Non-believer married and still in love and loved by a non-believer since 1948!
Posted by: lufrank1 | July 31, 2010 2:25 PM
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"There are literally thousands
of different "faiths" that call
them selves Christian. They all
have different rituals, worship
ceremonies, behavior requirements
and the like.
They have one thing in common:
They each "know" through "revelation",
given by their respective holy writs, that
theirs is the "true faith" and marriage,
to be a truly happy and bonded union
HAS to be between members of that same
faith.
God knows this too, so you can't be too
careful. Marry only in your own faith
to avoid of an "unequally yoked" union.
It's all in God's "word".
Rev. Dr. Knowinso H. Jones
Phd.,DD.,VD.
First Church of What's Happening Now
Posted by: flyersout | July 31, 2010 10:58 AM
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You honestly think contraception is a bad thing? Good luck to your wife!!
Posted by: veolaluzporfa | July 31, 2010 9:47 AM
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Thanks for this Matt! Many congrats on your engagement -- April 2, anniversary of JPII's going Home, not a bad time to get engaged:-) -- thanks for your words and your music! God bless!
Posted by: Boston81 | July 31, 2010 9:45 AM
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Good luck on your marriage. I, a Catholic, have been married over 15 yrs to a Baptist. It is our faith in God which transfers over to our love & belief in each other that sustains us through difficult times. This is not to say that other types of marriages w/a different belief system can not survive & thrive. It just might be a little easier for us because of our trust in God.
Posted by: jsteward | July 31, 2010 9:17 AM
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Best wishes. You're on the right track. Pick a winner, be considerate, never give up on each other, keep God in your marriage, and base all decisions on the premise that marriage is forever.
-recently celebrated 30th anniversary
Posted by: JJK33 | July 31, 2010 8:42 AM
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A lack of love is noticeably manifested by people who claim to be "of faith" especially when compassion and sharing are contra to dogma.
Posted by: areyousaying | July 31, 2010 7:31 AM
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Wow!
This is the first time that I have ever heard a man speak the way you have Matt.
I have always believed that if men could love their wives, as Christ so loved the church and for women to submit to those husbands that love them, as Christ so loves the church, then what could possibly go wrong.
To love and have faith in Christ is to have love and have faith in everything that you believe in and trust, even during the trials and tribulations of your life, marriage, or whatever may come your way. God "is" love and for one to have faith, is to put all of their trust in the one and only, God, who loves all of us more than anything.
Congratulation's on your engagement and may you both have the true love in which many of us desire.