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Forgiving is Only the Beginning
Several high-profile cases of adultery by politicians in the past decade -- most notably Bill Clinton and now John Edwards -- in which the wives forgave their husbands' infidelity and moved on raises important questions about forgiveness.
Does forgiveness represent moral strength or emotional weakness when women forgive betrayal by their husbands? Does it condone infidelity, and thus even embolden others to have affairs, or does it speak to the grace and clemency of these individual women?
The answers to these questions are provided not by the women's forgiveness, but by what is expected after that forgiveness is granted --are the men expected to repent, to make reparations, has their behavior changed, or are the simply let of scot-free with no visible repercussions? Does society hold them to a standard of behavior, or does their infidelity simply go disapproved but not discouraged?
Forgiveness, mercy, and clemency are qualities most of us aspire to. Holding grudges, seeking vengeance, and retaliating for wrongs against us are generally seen as weaker moral stances.
So, too, sincere Muslims seek to relate to others with kindness and compassion. God, himself serves as the first example.
The two most common names of God in the Qur'an -- Rahman (the all merciful) and Rahim (the compassionate) -- encompass two forms of kindness: the first is the widespread, grand grace of Allah that makes Nature beautiful, that places love and morality in the hearts of all humans; the second is the intimate, personal compassion that makes Allah responsive to our needs, our wants and our prayers, no matter how minute they might be. A third, oft repeated name of God is Al-Ghaffur, the All-Forgiving, and we are told time and time again that God views humanity with love, patience, mercy and forgiveness.
"Say: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving (Ghaffur), Most Merciful (Rahim).'" (Qur'an 39:53)
"And whoever does evil, or wrongs his own soul, but afterwards seeks Allah's forgiveness, will find Allah is Forgiving (Ghaffur), Compassionate. (Rahim)" (Qur'an 4:110)
"And [always] seek God's forgiveness: behold, God is much-forgiving (Ghaffur), a dispenser of grace (Raheem)." (Qur'an, 73:20)
"God promises you His forgiveness and bounty; and God is infinite, all-knowing," (Quran 2:268)
One of my favorite hadith, which is found in Bukhari and Muslim reads:
On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:Allah the Almighty has said: "O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it."
The Prophet serves as our second example. Aisha reported that he never returned evil with evil, nor did he ever seek retaliation on his own behalf. One example of this comes from the darkest times of the Prophet's life -- after he had lost both his wife and his uncle who had been major supports to him -- when he traveled to Taif. The people of Taif rejected him, and as he was leaving they threw stone at him until his shoes were filled with blood. The angel Gabriel came to the Prophet and offered to crush the town, but the Prophet declined, praying instead that they might become believers.
Another story I have always loved is the following from Sahih Bukhari:
Volume 3, Book 31, Number 157:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
While we were sitting with the Prophet a man came and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have been ruined." Allah's Apostle asked what was the matter with him. He replied "I had sexual intercourse with my wife while I was fasting." (Note: during Ramadan we fast not only from food and drink but also sexual relations during the daylight hours, breaking your fast if you are able to continue it is considered a serious sin.) Allah's Apostle asked him, "Can you afford to manumit a slave?" He replied in the negative. Allah's Apostle asked him, "Can you fast for two successive months?" He replied in the negative. The Prophet asked him, "Can you afford to feed sixty poor persons?" He replied in the negative. The Prophet kept silent and while we were in that state, a big basket full of dates was brought to the Prophet . He asked, "Where is the questioner?" He replied, "I am here." The Prophet said to him, "Take this basket of dates and give it in charity." The man said, "Should I give it to a person poorer than I? By Allah; there is no family between Medina's two mountains who are poorer than I." The Prophet smiled till his pre-molar teeth became visible and then said, "Then feed your family with it."
Thus, it is not surprising that the Qur'an counsels us to kindness and forgiveness.
"Good and evil are not alike. Repel evil with what is better. Then he, between whom and you there was hatred, will become as though he was a bosom friend." (Quran 41:34)
"We created not the heavens and the earth and all that is between them save with truth, and lo! the Hour is surely coming. So forgive, O Muhammad, with a gracious forgiveness." (Qur'an, 15:85)
"But forgive them, and overlook (their misdeeds). Verily, Allaah loves good-doers."
(Quran 5:13)
"Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish." (Quran, 7:199)
"Pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that Allah would forgive you? God is most forgiving and merciful. (Quran, 24:22)
A kind word with forgiveness is better than charity followed by injury. Allah is Absolute, Clement. (Qur'an 2:263)
And yet, we find in the Qur'an that exhortations to forgiveness are not absolute.
"If you punish, then punish with the like of that wherewith you were afflicted. But if you endure patiently, indeed it is better for the patient. Endure you patiently. Your patience is not except through the help of Allah." (Quran 16:126-127)
And in a more thorough discussion of the issue:
Far better and more lasting is what God will give to those who believe and trust in their Lord; who shun great sins and gross indecencies; who forgive when they are angy; respond to their Lord; keep up the prayer; conduct their affairs by mutual consultation; give to others out of what We have provided for them; and defend themselves when they are oppressed. Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and makes peace will have his reward from God Himself. God does not like those who do wrong. There is no blame on one who acts to defend himself after being wronged -- blame is only on those who oppress people and transgress in the land against all justice; they will have an agonizing torment -- but if a person is patient and forgives, this is indeed something to set one's heart upon! (42:36-43)Thus forgiveness is not an absolute value, but is tempered by human needs for justice, reparations, and even retribution.
When Clinton's and Edward's wives forgave their husbands, clearly they were taking the high road, their mercy and kindness towards their husbands is a testament to their characters. Did, however, the husbands, as in the hadith where the man broke his fast, repent and make some sort of reparation for their deeds?
Edwards says, "I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices. With my family, I took responsibility for my actions in 2006, and today I take full responsibility publicly."
Clinton, along with his expressions of contrition, clearly suffered serious political setback and public humiliation as a result of his affairs.
And yet, many around our country don't seem to feel it is enough. Many of us feel that their wives should have stood up in righteous indignation at their man's betrayal, and their stupidity for conducting affairs while in a very, bright public spotlight. Many feel that their forgiveness is like a wink and a nod at the millions of other men who have affairs, that they should have divorced their men or at least have less of a "stand by your man" attitude.
The bottom line for me is that each woman has to make the decision to forgive or to return harm with harm for themselves. There are dozens of reasons why a woman might stay with a man who has cheated, just as there are dozens of reasons why she might choose to leave. In the end, only the woman can make the choice that is right for her.
If, as a society, we want to deal with the havoc extramarital affairs are wreaking upon our families, then we need to deal with that on a societal level -- not demand that individual women make the choices that would punish men who engage in infidelity. The choice to divorce or deal harshly with an offending husband is not without repercussions to the woman herself -- financial repercussions, social, familial, not to mention personal on a variety of levels from the loss of a companion to the loss of self-esteem of not living up to one's own moral standards. So too, the choice to stay has innumerable consequences to the woman. To forgive or not must be her choice. Discouraging infidelity -- if that is the choice this society wants to make -- must be done on a societal level.
By Pamela K. Taylor | August 26, 2008; 9:20 AM ET Save & Share:
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Posted by: Concerned The Christian Now Liberated | August 26, 2008 6:32 PM
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How art thou "WARM-HEART?"
Thank You for thinking MEMETiCally!---Note, Brooklyn, N.Y. IP Address's are SENSORED! Your Servers are gonna be attacked soon!
note: jACQUES, SMOKES mARIJUANNA. & he does not puff either! Eeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!
---Jacques BERLINERBLAU from Georgetown replys:
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Posted by: Anonymous | August 26, 2008 4:32 PM
Report Offensive CommentIslam 101-
Mohammed (Mahound in Sir Salman Rushdie's "Satanic Verses) was an illiterate, womanizing, lust and greed-driven, warmongering, hallucinating Arab, who also had embellishing/hallucinating/ plagiarizing scribal biographers who not only added "angels" aka "pretty, wingie thingies" and flying chariots to the koran but also a militaristic agenda to support the plundering and looting of the lands of non-believers.
This agenda continues as shown by the assassination of Bhutto, the conduct of the seven Muslim doctors in the UK, the 9/11 terrorists, the 24/7 Sunni suicide/roadside/market/mosque bombers, the 24/7 Shiite suicide/roadside/market/ mosque bombers, the Islamic bombers of the trains in the UK and Spain, the Bali crazies, the Kenya crazies, the Pakistani “koranics”, the Palestine suicide bombers/rocketeers, the Lebanese nutcases, the Taliban nut jobs, and the Filipino “koranics”.
And who funds this muck and stench of terror? The warmongering, Islamic, Shiite terror and torture theocracy of Iran aka the Third Axis of Evil and also the Sunni "Wannabees" of Saudi Arabia.Current crises:
The Sunni-Shiite blood feud and the warmongering, womanizing (11 wives), hallucinating founder
Added reading material- Ayaan Hirsi Ali's autobiography, "Infidel".
"Thus begins the extraordinary story of a woman born into a family of desert nomads, circumcised as a child, educated by radical imams in Kenya and Saudi Arabia, taught to believe that if she uncovered her hair, terrible tragedies would ensue. It's a story that, with a few different twists, really could have led to a wretched life and a lonely death, as her grandmother warned. But instead, Hirsi Ali escaped -- and transformed herself into an internationally renowned spokeswoman for the rights of Muslim women."
ref: Washington Post book review.three excerpts:
p. 47 paperback issue:
"Some of the Saudi women in our neighborhood were regularly beaten by their husbands. You could hear them at night. Their screams resounded across the courtyards. "No! Please! By Allah!"
p.68:"The Pakistanis were Muslims but they too had castes. The Untouchable girls, both Indian and Pakistani were darker skin. The others would not play with them because they were untouchable. We thought that was funny because of course they were touchable: we touched them see? but also horrifying to think of yourself as untouchable, despicable to the human race."
p. 347"The kind on thinking I saw in Saudi Arabia and among the Brotherhood of Kenya and Somalia, is incompatible with human rights and liberal values. It preserves the feudal mind-set based on tribal concepts of honor and shame. It rests on self-deception, hyprocricy, and double standards. It relies on the technologial advances of the West while pretending to ignore their origin in Western thinking. This mind-set makes the transition to modernity very painful for all who practice Islam".
Posted by: Concerned The Christian Now Liberated | August 26, 2008 3:15 PM
Report Offensive CommentPamela Taylor, you have written an excellent missive.
Prophet Mohammed did marry many times but it was not for lust or sexual gratification but to set an example to his followers that they should not hesitate or refrain from marrying widows, divorcees, slave girls but under strict condition that they would give them equal rights in domestic life and absolute justice in distribution of their affection and wealth as defined in the Quran and Sharia law.
Prophet Mohammeds (pbuh) first wife was fifteen years older than him and a widow with children and they remained married for twenty years, and only after her death that the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) married other wives of whom seven were also widows (some with orphans) and only three of them were young women. He wanted to show to the world that widows, orphans and slaves women should be given respect and a place in an Islamic society and not shunned, and he was the shinning example in doing so. One of his young wives, Hazarat Aisha is considered to be the greatest woman scholar of Islamic theology and jurisprudence. She is respected for writing 2500 of Prophet Mohammed (SAW) authentic Hadiits.Now, it is obvious that if the prophet was after physical he did not have to wait until he was more than fifty years old to start marrying more wives. He lived in a society in which it was quite acceptable to have many wives. But the prophet remained devoted to his only wife for twenty-five years. When she died she was sixty-five years old.
His later marriages were for various reasons. Some marriages were with the view to help the women whose husbands had been killed while they were defending their faith. Others were with a view to cement relationships with devoted followers like Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him. Yet others were to build bridges with various tribes who were otherwise at war with the Muslims. When the prophet became their relative through marriage, their hostilities calmed down, and much bloodshed was averted.May, I point that majority of the Biblical Prophets married multitudes of wives and few were involved in incest, and one of them had illegitimate children from his daughter. David , Moses married many times and also had many concubines. Solomon had over 250 along with hundred of concubines and he was a very lustful man. In the Hindu religious book one of their deities, Drupati was married to five Pandus who were real brothers and never knew the father of her children because DNA test was invented. She had a terrific stamina and strength!
Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) was the most pious, truthful, honest, loving and humble man that has ever lived. At the end of his, he was the ruler of whole of the Saudi Arabia, Yemen and parts of Syria and Palestine but lived on his meagre salary in a small rented house with no servants, helped his wives with domestic chores, never knew if he would have food to eat in the next meal because he was so charitable that if a guest or a hungry man visited his house, he would feed them first and felt content whatever was left and often went hungry. When he died, he did not have one penny or owned a brick to give in inheritance. I often feel so sad when people with malice and prejudice in hearts attack Islam without knowing or learning its true message of love, peace and harmony, which Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) conveyed to the mankind.
Islam teaches humanity to reason, and to reflect, and to explore the bosom of mysterious nature. No society would have been civilized without the presence of religion and the fear of God. It is the absence of religion that helps moral degradation, immorality, illicit sex, illegitimate children, immodesty, pornography, incest, carnage, disorder, anarchy and terrorism. The world has witnessed two great world wars fought owing to the lack of understanding of God and still bears witness to atomic horrors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, obliteration of countries and killing of over sixty million human beings in the name of Western secularism and greedy capitalism, materialism and colonialism.
Posted by: Saqib Khan | August 26, 2008 2:08 PM
Report Offensive CommentPamela Taylor, you have written an excellent missive.
Prophet Mohammed did marry many times but it was not for the lust for women or sexual gratification but to set an example to his followers that they should not hesitate or refrain from marrying widows, divorcees, slave girls only if they free them from slavery, but under strict condition that they would give them equal rights, treat them well and with justice, distribution of their affection and wealth as defined in the Quran and Sharia law.
Prophet Mohammeds (pbuh) first wife was fifteen years older than him and a widow twice with children, and they remained married for twenty five years, and only after her death that the Prophet (SAW) married other wives of whom seven were widows- some of them many years older than him and with children. Only three of them were young women and one of them bore him a son who died in infancy. Hazarat Aisha was the youngest of the brides who became one of the greatest women scholars of Islamic Fiqa (Jurisprudence) and is associated with the writing of nearly 2500 of Prophet Mohammed's (SAW) Hadiths.
He wanted to show it to his Umma that Muslims should marry widows and slave women provided they are treated with respect and given absolute justice in every sphere of domestic and social life and not shunned. He was the shinning example in doing so.
Now, it is obvious that if the prophet was after physical gratification, he did not have to wait until he was more than fifty years old to start marrying more wives. He lived in a society in which it was quite acceptable to have many wives. But the prophet remained devoted to his first wife for twenty-five years and when she died, she was sixty-five years old.
His later marriages were for various reasons. Some marriages were with the view to help the women whose husbands had been killed while they were defending their faith. Others were with a view to cement relationships with devoted followers like Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him. Yet others were to build bridges with various tribes who were otherwise at war with the Muslims. When the prophet became their relative through marriage, their hostilities calmed down, and much bloodshed was averted.
May, I point that majority of the Biblical Prophets married multitudes of wives and few were involved in incest, and one of them had illegitimate children from his daughter. David , Moses married many times and also had many concubines. Solomon had over 250 along with hundred of concubines and he was a very lustful man. In the Hindu religious book one of their deities, Drupati was married to five Pandus who were real brothers and never knew the father of her children because DNA test was invented. She had a terrific stamina and strength!
Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) was the most pious, truthful, honest, loving and humble man that has ever lived. At the end of his, he was the ruler of whole of the Saudi Arabia, Yemen and parts of Syria and Palestine but lived on his meagre salary in a small rented house with no servants, helped his wives with domestic chores; he never knew if he would have food to eat in the next meal because he was so charitable that if a guest or a hungry man visited his house, he would feed them first and felt content whatever was left and often went hungry.
When he died, he did not have one penny or owned a brick to give in inheritance. I often feel so sad when people with malice and prejudice in hearts attack Islam without knowing or learning its true message of love, peace and harmony, which Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) conveyed to the mankind.
Islam envisages religion as not just a part of life but as the whole of it. In fact, aI-Islam or al-din sees itself as life itself and it incorporates what we do, what we make, what we think, what we feel as well as addresses the question of where we come from and where we are go after this life. That is why Islamic religion always uses the term al-din as embracing all facets of human life leaving nothing outside its dominion. In the traditional Islamic perspective there is nothing secular, nothing outside the realm that is not governed by religion ordained by Allah. There is inter-relation between all things that Allah has created and there is unity that runs through the whole of Allah’s crated order and through human society if that society is to be Islamic.
There must be unity in human life; there must be unity in the relationship between man and the world of nature; there must be unity in human thought; there must be unity what man makes, in the art, the architecture and cities which he creates. All of these forms of unity reflect the Wisdom and Will of Allah in our world, the Will, which is embodied most concretely in the Divine law or Shariah and which should be expressed in every authentic facet of the Muslim’s life. Islamic doctrine is based on revealing of the total Nature of Divinity who is the One without a partner. The path of Islam is based on the middle path: the Muslim outwardly applies reason, justice, compassion, and all other virtues while inwardly he or she is in abandonment and submission, trusting that the outcome to any situation will be the appropriate one. Therefore, whosoever is in true and constant submission, in utmost awareness both outwardly and inwardly is on the path of pursuing the ultimate knowledge and fulfilling their purpose.
Islam teaches humanity to reason, and to reflect, and to explore the bosom of mysterious nature. No society would have been civilized without the presence of religion and the fear of God. It is the absence of religion that helps moral degradation, immorality, immodesty, pornography, incest, carnage, disorder, anarchy and crime, terrorism. The world has witnessed two great world wars fought owing to the lack of understanding of God and still bears witness to atomic horrors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, obliteration of countries and killing of over sixty million human beings in the name of Western secularism and greedy capitalism, materialism and colonialism. That is the heart of Islamic message.
Posted by: Saqib Khan | August 26, 2008 1:55 PM
Report Offensive CommentPamela Taylor and all other voices of so-called moderate or progressive Muslims should be banned from the pages of On Faith until they take a strong and public stand against Random House's decision to abandon publication of Sherry Jones' book, "The Jewel of Medina," in the face of threats from Muslims to retaliate if the book came out. Ms. Taylor and the rest must denounce the Muslims making those threats in unequivocal terms.
Some of us have been warning for some time that the growing Muslim population in the U.S., whatever its size, would reach the tipping point at which it would begin to alter the character of American society and pose a threat to our basic values. With Random House's decision, I rest my case. This incident poses a litmus test of whether Muslims in America really understand what this country is all about. So far, they are flunking.
Posted by: Georgiason | August 21, 2008 6:29 AM
Report Offensive CommentMuhammad is not a good example as he slept with more than 100,000 women during his short lifetime.
Posted by: Anonymous | August 15, 2008 11:04 PM
Report Offensive CommentWould it not be better if the man went and married the other women (or four)....then there is no need for forgiveness at all.(it's his right in islam)
Posted by: IAN | August 14, 2008 9:49 AM
Report Offensive Comment
Ma'ha'bar [Hello] again Rabbi T A Y L O R:iNTERESTiNG:
RECOMENDATiON: Even though in sweet sweet U.S. of, that SECUALR GOV regulates 1-Marriage , but not regulate How many Baby's a married couple can have; THAT
Like CHiNA,
that SAUDi ARABiA, IRAN , iNDiA et al, should 'enforce', via the 'Modern Religion Police" (Hypoyhetical speaking ), the
"1-Couple, ONE CHiLD" Rules!
Example: If "i" Hath 4-Wives (max Allowed? by Islam) then 1-child Each should be the Norm!
TRiViA: Did YE knowth that OSAMA BiN LADEN hath 52 Children????
HiNT: All Islamics & Hindus Too, should enforce that One Child Per Couple Rule too!
WHY? Because Today, via Internet World, that All Potentiate HUE{MATE}'s must think GLOBALLY & Act LOCALLY! And Tribalizm is got's to Go forever on this Holy Cosmic Theater!
Inshalah, Allah Karim!
--- BY: YAKUB YOZIV. an
ORM, O.rdained R.elationship M.inister, Revelator & Defender of the 'Holy Cosmic Feeler Faith, aka 'Ho-Co-Fe-Fa' System; a belief like a religion, yet better that‘s based on TRUTH (opposite of MYTH Systems) & a Lover’s of the "O.U.R.-B.O.T.", aka the Holy-Cosmic Bible, ala "O.ne U.niversal R.eligion B.ook O.f T.rans{Finity}" aka “The RELiGiON of Everything before the SCiENCE of Everything” like-a-dat. Finally!
---
PEACE, Paz, Shalom , Salaam, Ahimsa, Zhengyu..
cc: Asra NO-MAN-i.
Posted by: Vanguards, Lovers & inheritors of Holy Cosmic Nebula-Built Space-Ship Earth(s) not ... | August 13, 2008 10:45 PM
Report Offensive CommentThank you Imam Taylor- that was an inspiration and uplifting affirmation for me.
Posted by: VICTORIA | August 13, 2008 2:47 PM
Report Offensive CommentThe comments to this entry are closed.
Islam 101-
Mohammed (Mahound in Sir Salman Rushdie's "Satanic Verses) was an illiterate, womanizing, lust and greed-driven, warmongering, hallucinating Arab, who also had embellishing/hallucinating/ plagiarizing scribal biographers who not only added "angels" aka "pretty, wingie thingies" and flying chariots to the koran but also a militaristic agenda to support the plundering and looting of the lands of non-believers.
This agenda continues as shown by the assassination of Bhutto, the conduct of the seven Muslim doctors in the UK, the 9/11 terrorists, the 24/7 Sunni suicide/roadside/market/mosque bombers, the 24/7 Shiite suicide/roadside/market/ mosque bombers, the Islamic bombers of the trains in the UK and Spain, the Bali crazies, the Kenya crazies, the Pakistani “koranics”, the Palestine suicide bombers/rocketeers, the Lebanese nutcases, the Taliban nut jobs, and the Filipino “koranics”.
And who funds this muck and stench of terror? The warmongering, Islamic, Shiite terror and torture theocracy of Iran aka the Third Axis of Evil and also the Sunni "Wannabees" of Saudi Arabia.
Current crises:
The Sunni-Shiite blood feud and the warmongering, womanizing (11 wives), hallucinating founder
Added reading material- Ayaan Hirsi Ali's autobiography, "Infidel".
"Thus begins the extraordinary story of a woman born into a family of desert nomads, circumcised as a child, educated by radical imams in Kenya and Saudi Arabia, taught to believe that if she uncovered her hair, terrible tragedies would ensue. It's a story that, with a few different twists, really could have led to a wretched life and a lonely death, as her grandmother warned. But instead, Hirsi Ali escaped -- and transformed herself into an internationally renowned spokeswoman for the rights of Muslim women."
ref: Washington Post book review.
three excerpts:
p. 47 paperback issue:
"Some of the Saudi women in our neighborhood were regularly beaten by their husbands. You could hear them at night. Their screams resounded across the courtyards. "No! Please! By Allah!"
p.68:
"The Pakistanis were Muslims but they too had castes. The Untouchable girls, both Indian and Pakistani were darker skin. The others would not play with them because they were untouchable. We thought that was funny because of course they were touchable: we touched them see? but also horrifying to think of yourself as untouchable, despicable to the human race."
p. 347
"The kind on thinking I saw in Saudi Arabia and among the Brotherhood of Kenya and Somalia, is incompatible with human rights and liberal values. It preserves the feudal mind-set based on tribal concepts of honor and shame. It rests on self-deception, hyprocricy, and double standards. It relies on the technologial advances of the West while pretending to ignore their origin in Western thinking. This mind-set makes the transition to modernity very painful for all who practice Islam".