Religions need to get real in dealing with sex

Q:Do your religious beliefs exalt or stigmatize sex (or both)? Is religion a useful tool for helping young people navigate the treacherous world of sex, love and relationships? Does religion present an alternative view of sex and sexual relationships to the culture at large? Should it?

Religions that want to help their followers navigate "the treacherous world of sex" need to be, first and foremost, realistic. This is often not the case. They set boundaries on who can have sex, how, when, with whom, and why. In doing so, they exert control over one of the most powerful aspects of the lives of their followers, but they seldom have any teachings that explain these controls that are meaningful or useful for contemporary youth dealing with their natural sexual interests and desires.

People who have been raised in traditional cultures have typically become married relatively soon after puberty, and thus have experienced sex almost entirely within the bonds of that relationship. They have had to deal with few if any of the issues facing youth in the contemporary western world. Here, marriage is delayed, sometimes indefinitely, sexually enticing images pervade the society in almost every aspect of life, and most religions provide little or no actual sexual education to assist their young followers, except to tell them their desires are wrong or evil.

Today, young people are being exposed to sexual stimulus before they even know anything about it, long before they know how to deal with it, and they are provided few if any tools or teachings that can help them. This was part of the reason for the sexual revolution and rethinking that started in western society in the 1960s. Television and the movies began providing both disturbing and provocative images on a regular basis. The Vietnam War brought the issue of youth mortality home while bikini clad girls pranced around on the beaches. Many youth sought to find their own way and decided to "make love, not war."

Amid all the challenges that the Hippy movement brought, there was also the desire for freedom from traditional social, religious, and sexual boundaries. Many looked to the religions of India, especially to Hinduism and Buddhism, to find that freedom. Among the elements of these traditions that found popularity were non-violence and vegetarianism to promote an external freedom and peace, while yoga and meditation were undertaken in search of an inner freedom and peace.

In the tradition of yoga, sex is understood in a variety of ways. If the goal is simply to have an orgasm, then it should be avoided, not because it is evil, but because it is a waste of precious bodily, emotional, and psychic energy. There are specific yogic practices, including diet, breath control exercises, and methods of concentration that are taught to sublimate, rather than suppress, sexual and other desires and to elevate one's consciousness in the process.

At the same time, yoga philosophy says that when one has sex within the context of a loving relationship while acknowledging the full range of responsibilities the act entails, then it can become an energizing spiritual experience. This idea - responsibility connected with sex - is something that most young people today are either unfamiliar with or want to avoid at all costs. The number one reason for most abortions today is simply the desire not to have a child and thereby avoid taking responsibility for one's sexual activities. Contraception has become so available in the U.S., from the corner drug store to the health room or nurse's office at school. However, without realistic guidance, such precautions are simply ignored until it is too late.

One of the main ways that youth in a society learn is from their elders, but when neither elders nor prevalent social etiquette provide realistic guideline for youth to follow, it becomes extremely difficult for them to navigate the 'treacherous world" of relationships. When American youth look to their elders today, increasingly they see divorce, unhappiness and frustration, parents wanting to look like teenagers again so they can seek new mates, and a large focus of energy on finding someone to have sex with.

Many of my students say they do not want to get married, since they don't think that it works or is worthwhile. They see divorce, lack of commitment, and a multitude of marital problems, and they are not interested. For an increasing number of those who are not in a relationship with any level of commitment, the sex act has clearly come to be seen as little more than a way to have an orgasm. They are only interested in "hooking up," which is another way of saying they just want a sex partner. The ideas of love, the desire to have a family, commitment, and responsibility are essentially absent in their minds, and anyone who mentions these is seen as old fashioned or provincial.

To tell youth that this approach is wrong without providing them with alternative avenues of thinking and addressing their desires is itself, a waste of energy. Very few, if any, will listen. We need to inform youth with both information and examples. Religions today must deal with today's reality and not pretend that we are still living in the world of limited exposure and access to sensual stimuli. Religions need to provide useful teachings that will help people address the issue of sex within the context of today's world. At the same time, they need to teach the importance of responsibly and the acceptance of the consequences of one's actions.

In the 1960s, amidst the all the sexual exploration that was occurring, Stephen Gaskin, founder of The Farm, popped the bubble of many of his followers by suggesting they actually had to take responsibility for their free wheeling sexual activities. He said, "If you're having sex, you're engaged. If you're having babies, you're married." In short, blend your freedom with responsibility.

By Ramdas Lamb  |  April 23, 2010; 3:08 PM ET Save & Share:                 
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