Wendy Doniger
Professor of the History of Religions, University of Chicago’s Divinity School

Wendy Doniger

Doniger’s research and teaching center on Hinduism and mythology. Her courses in Hinduism cover mythology, literature, law, gender and ecology.

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An Experience of Grace in Nature

Raised as I was by relentlessly secular parents, I was not allowed to have a religion, and used to sneak out of the house to go to Mass with Catholic friends the way other teenagers snuck out to drink or smoke.

But one day, when I was 15 years old, I found myself in complete, near-suicidal despair, sitting alone on a beach in England. I was lonesome, far away from home for the first time, suffering from unrequited love and a kind of late-adolescent metaphysical desperation, flailing about, with no inherited religious framework to guide me, to find answers to unanswerable questions about death, injustice, and human suffering.

Then something happened. When I told my friend Andrew Greeley about it years later, he recognized it as what he called a grace experience, and I realized, retrospectively, that that was precisely what it was. What it felt like was suddenly being warmed and then suffused first by the sun and then by the flickering images of the branches of the trees and the shapes of the clouds drifting by above me and the salt taste of the sea breezes and the sound of the surf. It was a sudden realization that they were all beautiful, all good, and all simultaneously a part of me and a part of some all-encompassing source of love, a power that pervaded the universe with compassion.

This image did not erase but somehow made bearable my knowledge of the sadness and ugliness of so much of the human world. It seemed to me then incomprehensible not only that I should ever be suicidal again but indeed that I should ever again experience bottomless unhappiness. It changed my life.

It was just a little while later that I started to read, in English translation, the Upanishads, the ancient Indian philosophical texts that speak of the identity of the individual soul, the atman, with the world-soul, sometimes called Atman with a capital A, sometimes brahman. The world-soul penetrates the individual soul like salt dissolved in water, the texts said. I recognized then what I had experienced on that beach, which people sometimes call pantheism or panentheism (god in everything).

I resolved to learn Sanskrit and to study the religious texts of India, and so I did. And that, too, changed my life.

By Wendy Doniger  |  January 9, 2007; 11:05 AM ET  | Category:  Personal Religion Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   Del.icio.us   StumbleUpon   Technorati  
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WENDY- its interesting that your parents strict secularism forced you to be secret about your spiritual leanings- intolerance can come from any mindset- non eare immune-

BOB- this isnt an ordinary experience-
and it is probably one ofthe most inclusionary experiences a human can experience-
its true- often a person does have to be in deep searching and despair to have these little preternatural occurences- i think that it requires a deep level of submission to our own powerlessness- and a subjugation of the self and ego that are herculean and without ecpectation- a great and abnormal confusion followed by greater clarity-

i suspect many dont ever have the ability to let go of their feeling of control over things-

my last and final little switching of tracks on the railroad of life was similar in feeling- but it happened in a house- and my despair was registered as the exact opposite- being surrounded by concrete walls in a deep well- the exact opposite of a natural experience-

if others feel excluded- they are doing it to themselves and its their choice-

everybody has their own ways of feeling their way to their own answers-

BILL C- i for one care- not much fodder indeed and i dont miss the usual vitriol and desparate vying for attention and superiority that often accomanies more sensational wrath inducing posts-

i have a feeling that many read it and feel calmed by it and dont find it necessary to add anything because its been so eloquently and simply said by the panelist.

Posted by: victoria | January 11, 2007 11:20 AM
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I posted the above.

Posted by: Bob | January 9, 2007 3:28 PM
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Again, we get the rather ordinary human experience of integration with nature, the awareness of human consciousness available to all human beings all the time, and experienced daily by any child:

"when I was 15 years old, I found myself in complete, near-suicidal despair, suffering from unrequited love and a kind of late-adolescent metaphysical desperation, flailing about . . . Then something happened. . . it felt like suddenly being warmed and then suffused first by the sun and then by the flickering images of the branches of the trees and the shapes of the clouds drifting by above me and the salt taste of the sea breezes and the sound of the surf. It was a sudden realization that they were all beautiful, all good, and all simultaneously a part of me and a part of some all-encompassing source of love, a power that pervaded the universe with compassion."

I'm happy for Wendy. Notice how everyone has essentially the same experience, but how quickly it gets taken to absurd doctrines which try to usurp the common human experience and turn it into something only a "chosen" can dogmatically share to the exclusion of "others".

Posted by: Anonymous | January 9, 2007 3:27 PM
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Not ture for the LA Times atheists guy, Bill C.

Maybe they should have called for everyone's personal experiences. One doesn't even have to have had one. The best one's are fiction anyhow. Religion is a drug akin to extasy where people fantisize all sorts of things and get their jollys all tuned up.

There's always a trip to the funny farm where one can converse with Napaleon and find out what really happened at Waterloo. More interesting than many of these "real" experiences posted here.

Posted by: BGone | January 9, 2007 2:00 PM
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This question to the panel has been a true dud. Who cares about personal experiences. All it proves is that they had one. Not much fodder for discussion as evidenced by the drastically lower number of reader comments.

Posted by: Bill C. | January 9, 2007 1:19 PM
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I have read in here many testimonies (not necessarily this one) of Creation from the Nothingness of the body to the transcended being usually occurring at such a time when we are in the dark and desperate. (This experience is claimed by followers as being saved by Grace, and since this experience is not shared by everybody, are we privileged or has belief led us here!). After the experience, we eventually follow a choice made during the metaphysical experience and solidify it in our vocation.

In the state of Nothingness, our physical existence alone deteriorates and tends to self destruct as discovered in the splitting of the atom. Usually when detachments of the self leave us vulnerable, it makes room for creation to transcend our body into a higher realm. Rather than influenced by selfish material desires of the body, our minds take over the decision making, and usually towards the common good.

While pure principles are prevalent in our decisions, we are free within the worldly existence and its laws to make our decisions. Freedom of the Spirit is innocent to the law and expectation – 'St Paul'.

Posted by: Peter | January 9, 2007 1:19 PM
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Interesting spiritual experience, life saving even.

Isn't the University of Chicago the place where Wong and others discovered that human sperm is competitive sort of comfirming "natural selection" for humans too?

There's an essay on sex at http://www.hoax-buster.org/sex claiming that sex is man's favorite subject. Well, after spirituality of course.

Is life actually sexually transmitted?

Posted by: BGone | January 9, 2007 11:46 AM
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